Hello friends!
This 23rd issue of The Pole is dedicated to folks who feel like
they can be (or should be) doing “better”
the more they want it, or the more they try, the more success evades them
they try so hard and fail, whereas their peers do things so well with little effort
I’ll tell a few short personal stories and tie them all together with the lesson I learned.
A preview:
dropping my phone between my seat and center console
throwing darts at money balloons at my best friend’s 4th birthday party
not getting likes on my tweets
a minute-long chess strategy video that gave me a stroke of insight
I hope you enjoy it!
I.
It was 2:45pm. I realized I hadn't worked out yet that day. I remembered it was Memorial Day. I looked up what time the gym closed.
4:00pm
Damn. Better hurry.
I got in my car, plugged my phone into the aux, and opened up my Spotify Likes playlist.
I was about to hit play when I dropped my phone between my seat and the center console.
I looked in the crack.
My phone was hanging by the aux cord. Still reachable.
Ugh, why are my palms so fat?
This isn't the first time this has happened. Most of the time, the phone unplugs, and it falls into the abyss. In those cases, I have to get out of the car, move the seat forward, and go spelunking under the cushion.
But, sometimes, I'm blessed with a more-tensile-than-usual aux cord connection. I try not to squander the opportunity by losing my patience and jerking on it.
(I've squandered many such opportunities.)
This time, although I am in a hurry, I have experience on my side. I know that the best chance I have of liberating my phone is to pretend that I have all the time in the world.
II.
It's 1996. I'm 4 years old and I'm at my best friend's house for his birthday party.
His parents have a game set up. It's a big wooden wall with balloons tacked to it in a grid. They have money in them. The larger balloons have coins and the smaller ones have bills. We all take turns standing behind a line and throwing darts. You keep what you pop.
It looks easy. I try it. I miss. It's not easy.
The birthday boy tries it. He hits a $5 balloon.
Our other friend tries it. He hits a 25c balloon.
It's my turn again. I miss. I'm annoyed.
Soon enough, the birthday boy has hit 3 balloons. I still haven't hit any.
I'm annoyed.
Just keep trying, his dad says.
I hit a balloon. It's got a dollar.
Ugh, why can't I be as good as everyone else?
III.
My pinky is contorted around the aux cord. I'm trying to move the phone two inches forward so I can pull it straight out.
click
The phone falls into the void. I got too eager. All it takes is a split-second lapse in judgement.
Opportunity: squandered
I was too lazy to get out of the car and get it, so I decided to put it off until I got to the gym. I can drive without music. It's a good chance to listen to my inner dialogue.
I kept thinking about how I dropped the phone. How can I become more patient?
I chuckled. It seemed like the wrong question. It felt like asking, how does one stop and smell the roses better?
I felt like I was missing the point.
IV.
I was feeding my roommate's cats and dog yesterday while they were out of town.
It amused me how all the pets love the cat food and none of them like the dog food. I had to make sure to feed them separately and prevent the dog from sneaking over to the cat bowls.
It occurred to me that maybe Twitter would find it amusing as well, so I wrote a thread about it.
Later that day, I checked Twitter and remembered that I posted a thread. I hit the bell to see how it did.
…one like.
Hmm..
I found myself in a familiar cascade of thoughts and meta-thoughts:
I wonder why this didn't get more engagement? What could I do to make it juicier?
But wait, I don't want to get all market-y and engagement-bait-y. What if this isn't a problem? What if it's okay that what I post doesn't get engagement?
But I like when posts get engagement. Isn't that a normal, human thing? Must I become a monk and renounce this worldly desire for likes?
Not at all. It's fine to Feel Good when your posts get engagement. It's when you optimize for engagement beforehand that you land in hot water. Optimizing for engagement makes you less original, and originality is what wins.
Okay well, I don't know what to do with that. If I purposefully try to make it more engaging, it becomes inauthentic and unoriginal. If I don't try, it doesn't get engagement anyway. Feels like I can't win.
This feeling and pattern felt familiar. It reminded me of how I felt at my best friend's 4th birthday party with the money balloons.
Like I just couldn't win.
V.
I was on YouTube, taking a break from an animation project, when I stumbled upon one of my new favorite videos:
(EDIT: as of 06/28/2023 this video was removed, ARGH!!)
It's a chess strategy video, but that's not important.
What I found so profound is the vibe. The whimsical energy.
You can feel how much fun he's having. The sincerity. The earnestness. He's present in each moment, but not attached to any particular moment.
His awareness and reality are entwined in a dance. A dance that is totally improvised, yet smooth as silk.
That's when it all clicked. The money balloons. The dangling phone. Twitter engagement.
It was all the same problem: a lack of earnestness.
How do I win? How do I get likes? How do I become more patient?
How do I get myself out of this problem? What's the hack? What's the one neat trick?
These questions are all frames that constrict awareness. The answers to these questions, if they even exist, can only be seen by expanding one's awareness.
That is, loosely, the difference between finite and infinite games.
Finite games can incentivize a narrow, fragile focus on winning. Infinite games have a focus on not losing.
The difference is subtle, but important. With most things, there are a handful of ways to win and a large number of ways to lose. If you’re trying not to lose, that means studying all those ways. That takes time, effort, and observation.
(Related: The Dynamism Problem coined by
)You don't win by following a formula. You win by paying attention and surrendering yourself to the game. At some point the formula will reveal itself to you. Or, maybe it won't, but you
exercised as much agency as you could, and
paid enough attention to identify the point where more agency would have been counter-productive,
which allows you to make peace with losing. And that's the real win.
You don't get likes by copying others. You have to perceive in high resolution the emotions and rhythm of your life and ecosystem. When your tweets succeed, it'll be because
you're present enough to see and feel an idea in its simplest form, and
you've paid enough attention to know when something could resonate
When they don't "succeed", you'll understand that it's not in your control. You'll understand that engagement isn't "success" and lack of engagement isn't "failure".
Success comes from earnestness. Earnestness is a willingness to expand your awareness. A willingness to offer your attention with no local expectations. A willingness to dance with your environment.
Earnestness isn't a trait. It's a decision anyone can make at any moment. It's a decision one must make each moment. It's a job that's never done.
Once you've decided to let reality dictate when you can contract your awareness, you put yourself in a space to do your best work. Whatever that means to you.
But, more importantly, you gain permission to be awkward. Through awareness, you learn what you can and cannot control. You learn that your best is unpredictable because life is unpredictable.
When you're at your best, it will be because of you.
When you're not at your best, you will have still done your best. More importantly, it won't prevent you from making the decision to be earnest in the future.
And if you're earnest, you're on the path to doing your best.
“You don't win by following a formula. You win by paying attention and surrendering yourself to the game.”
I really think you are on to something. I’ve actually called myself earnest to myself in regards to my online presence. There is something freeing about it. Whenever I just let myself *be* it works better, not only in numbers but my general happiness. I really enjoyed this reflection! Also, super relatable about the phone falling but the cable being a life saver.
I like 'being earnest more than 'real.' When you look into the origin 'earnest' represents a pledge or promise...a foretaste of what is to follow. it says this is 'me' and what you can expect.
I often tell people I have to be 'earnest' in my writing. I'm not clever enough to have a strategy or plan for my image. 😉 Totally dig this exploration Joshua.