Hello, friends!
I hope that, when you run into a problem you need to solve this week, you remember that you are SO SMART and it’s easy to let the problem trick you into thinking it’s bigger than it is. Don’t let it!! Think back to all the times you’ve solved problems and thought, WOW, that wasn’t that bad. You got this!!
In this 20th issue of The Pole:
A debate with a friend about sticking to diets. Is the problem not wanting it enough?
A personal example: flossing
What’s missing from “you didn’t want it badly enough” - 5 cases:
you want to, but you can’t
you want to in general, but not in the moment
you want to, but you're not aware that you want your current status quo more
you want to, but it’s not real enough to motivate you
you want to, but you underestimate the likelihood of success
My attempt to settle the debate: no, it’s not as simple as “you don’t want it bad enough”
Sticking to diets
I got into a debate with a friend this morning.
We were talking about sticking to diets. Him and his wife went on a diet together. He's done well at sticking to it, but his wife hasn't. This frustrates him.
He's a fellow that doesn't like dishing out compliments that often. I know that his wife, also my friend, responds to positive reinforcement. So, I suggested he lean more into that.
He resisted the idea.
She shouldn't need encouragement. She doesn't want it bad enough. At the end of the day, if you want it enough, you'll figure out how to make it happen. It's that simple.
I felt conflicted.
There's a "hustle culture" part of me that believes in that mantra. I have no idea what's possible. Things happen everyday that defy the odds. How will I know if I don't try? There's a way, I only need to find it. As long as I don't give up, I can make it happen.
At the same time, that feels like an incomplete view of the world. Doctors fail to save lives every day. People stay in abusive relationships. Many "trivial" problems in society remain unsolved. It doesn't seem like it's as simple as try harder.
What’s going on here?
What follows is my attempt is to reconcile my Don't Give Up thoughts and my It's Not That Simple thoughts.
My experience incorporating a flossing habit
I thought about similar challenges from my life. The first thing that came to mind was flossing. I didn't successfully develop a habit for it until after college, at 24 years old.
During college, the dentist emphasized its importance each visit. The thought of my teeth decaying scared me enough. I remember coming home with a box of string floss, thinking this will be the time it sticks.
I would keep up with it for a few nights, but inevitably I'd get home late from some social event. Or I'd go on vacation and mess up my routine. Or... something. And then I'd forget about it.
At some point, I tried using the floss sticks, and WOW it was a lot less of a pain. I excitedly told my dentist about them, but she said it's a lot better to use the string floss.
So, disheartened, I switched back. And then lost the habit again.
Fast forward a few months. I'm reading an issue of Tim Ferriss's newsletter, and a quote stuck out to me. Paraphrasing, it was something like,
70% of a good solution is better than 0% of a perfect solution
At which point, I thought, Why am I trying to start with string floss?? Floss sticks work! Build a habit from that first!
So I did! And it stuck!
I intended on moving over to string floss once I cemented the habit with floss sticks. But my dentist, from that point on, had nothing but good things to say about my teeth. It appears that floss sticks are Good Enough, so I haven’t bothered.
A few ways I could interpret that journey:
I didn't want healthy teeth bad enough to floss with string floss, but I did want it bad enough to use floss sticks.
I wanted healthy teeth bad enough to keep trying until I found a way that worked.
The potential pain of losing my teeth wasn't real enough for me, otherwise I would have had plenty of motivation to use string floss.
It's not a question of "how bad do I want it?" because floss sticks solved the problem. If they hadn’t, I'd be motivated to use string floss.
What’s missing from “you didn’t want it badly enough”
So, with those two examples in mind, let’s go back to the original question. Where does “you didn’t want it badly enough, just try harder” break down?
Here are 5 cases I can think of:
1. you want to, but you can't
For example, no matter how much you want to grow a unicorn horn, our genetics won't allow you to.
At least, mine don’t allow me to. I haven’t given up hope for you, though.
2. you want to in general, but not in the moment
For example, if you want to run in the mornings, but when your alarm wakes you, you're like ehhh I'm good on that, actually.
Here’s where you could argue that “if you wanted it bad enough, you’d get up anyway”.
My response to that is: not necessarily.
If I go to the gym and I forgot to bring my water bottle, does that mean that I didn’t want to bring it bad enough?
No, it means that, when I was walking out the door, I wasn’t aware of all the details. If I considered the pros of bringing it in that moment, I would have brought it.
Similarly, when my alarm wakes me to go running and I’m called to make the decision to get out of bed, all I’m thinking about is going back to sleep. If I vividly remembered all the reasons I wanted to run in the first place, maybe it would sway me.
The point is: if you’re fixating on certain details, possibly because of some emotion you’re feeling, I don’t think that’s an accurate representation of you and your desires.
3. you want to, but you're not aware that you want your current status quo more
For example, maybe you like the idea of being muscular, but you don't realize that you like not having to go to the gym more.
In this case, “if you wanted it bad enough” does apply, heheh.
4. you want to, but it's not real enough to motivate you
For example, let’s say you’re in a group chat with your friends and you’re trying to get everyone to hang out.
If you pitch “let’s go to a restaurant!” - that might sound okay, but probably won’t inspire much action.
However, if you pitch going to a specific restaurant that everyone likes at a specific time, that will probably inspire more action.
Similarly, if you pitch someone to stick with a diet, “to lose weight” might not be that compelling.
But what about a diet plan that feels achievable? What about a photoshopped picture of what they’d look like if they were at a certain body fat percentage?
5. you want to, but you underestimate the likelihood of success
As a math tutor and teaching assistant, I had many students come into my office fervently convinced they wouldn’t be able to understand something. But they needed to pass the class, so they were hoping they could memorize or hand-wave their way to the grade they needed.
At first they were disappointed when they realized my goal was to get them to understand the thing instead of giving them the answer.
I’d often tell them: humor me for 10 minutes, if you still don’t get it, I’ll just tell you how to solve the problem.
I’d ask a few questions to figure out what they didn’t understand, then I’d lead them through the logic, and then I’d ask them: what happens next?
Sheepishly, they’d say THE CORRECT ANSWER.
Excitedly, I’d say “THAT’S ALL IT IS!!”
Then I’d read them the thing they were struggling with, ask them how they could get the answer, AND THE GEARS WOULD START TURNING.
I loved seeing the disbelief on their faces. I loved seeing the switch flip. It was WORKING. With this new-found understanding, they often wanted to sit down and figure it out right then and there.
That’s what I suspect is going on with a lot of peoples’ hopes and dreams: the desire is there, but they don’t believe it’s achievable.
Or maybe they’re not convinced that The Way is actually The Way. Like The Karate Kid. Maybe they just need a taste, some light at the end of the tunnel.
My attempt to settle the debate
Going back to my friend and his wife, maybe some of the above cases are applicable.
Maybe she likes the freedom to eat whatever she wants more than the state of being skinny. In which case, "she doesn't want it bad enough" is valid.
But also, maybe she doesn't think she can succeed. Or maybe being skinny is too abstract to her. Or maybe, in the moment, the temptation clouds her judgment.
OR, maybe she, like me with flossing, can’t do it without the correct system. And maybe the correct system isn’t obvious to her, yet.
We don’t tell paraplegic people that they don’t want to walk bad enough. We give them wheelchairs.
We don’t tell people with dyslexia that they don’t want to read bad enough. We give them extra time and design the fonts differently.
It’s not a stretch to imagine that similar handicaps exist for creativity, lateral thinking, executive function, emotional regulation, and other traits required for problem solving.
Maybe the idea of dieting stresses her out more than the average person, leading her to not think as logically.
Maybe the idea of doing all the math to count calories doesn't register in her brain. Maybe because of that, the outcome isn’t as real to her.
The point I’m trying to make is that we should have some epistemic humility. There are a million things that could be going on that aren’t legible to us.
Maybe it’s true: we know the path, we just don’t want to walk it.
But maybe we don’t actually know the path. Or maybe the destination isn’t clear to us. Or maybe we think we have the right path, but we’re wrong.
We only know three things:
if we want something, we should always at least try
if we fail, it might not be our fault
if we still want it, despite failing, it’s worth considering if we have the right path, goal, etc, and then potentially trying again
Cool break down of "you don't want it bad enough"!
I love the floss story - I hated using the string cos I just don't know how to create the tension needed but the stick ones work perfectly well for me. Even though I don't have the perfect daily flossing habit, I have gotten positive reinforcements from my dental visits for the past few years. (Especially when I start flossing more diligently before the appointment lol)
So I'm pretty happy with that 70% effectiveness that is just good enough!